We have the freedom to chose the action, but not to choose the consequence.
Last year this time i was in EXACTLY the same place as i am now. My house-mate was about to move out, and i felt like God was making space for something new… and I was excited. That was, however, before i decided eat my own apple from the tree of knowledge.
YEARS ago, after being single for a while, i started to go through the normal “what’s wrong with me” thought process, until i felt God answered my question by showing me that He is, in fact, preventing all these handsome (but wrong) men from even attempting to pursue me. He knows me, He knows that i’m not careful, I don’t tread lightly, i fall hard and fast and have always been that way. He knows, because that’s how He made me. Did he make me wrong? No. So instead of changing me, He’ll prevent anyone from taking advantage of me. He’ll protect me and distract them.
“Why?” I thought. “Just because they’re interested doesn’t mean i’ll fall for it, I’ll just turn them away … besides, what’s wrong with a little bit of flattery, it would just be nice to know…!”
What the heck was i thinking
no. 1: I believed that my idea was better than God’s.
no. 2: I wasn’t thinking about the ones that would have EVERYTHING in common with me, were VERY ‘easy on the eye’ and had a great sense of humour/head of hair?
no. 3: I thought “I can do it. I’ll be fine.”
So, God said ‘Your will be done’ since i wasn’t saying it to Him, and He allowed me to play this dangerous game.
Why? Because it was what i wanted, I have free will to chose things contrary to what God is doing, and He allows it, because it’s an EXCELLENT opportunity for us to learn.
“To learn what? That we’re not as smart as we think?”
Yes, but more importantly, that HE is trustworthy.
I was always super honest with the guys that i met about my faith, my morals, my habits, etc. But let me tell you, some guys don’t readily accept ‘no’ as an answer, and it didn’t take very long for me to find myself torn between my attraction to a faith-less guy, and my love for Christ, and after a lot of prayer … a LOT … God said “That’s enough” and it came to a blinding halt.
(That’s when i wrote the previous blog about having a really REALLY bad day.)
My heart was broken. Even though I knew I was settling, I knew I didn’t want it, I knew that I deserved better and that I was potentially making the biggest mistake of my life, I was holding onto the ‘what if’ … the ‘but’.
God allowed me to go so far, but He ended it. He saved me from myself. He stuck His hand into the depth of the water and pulled me right out. TWICE!
So now I am exactly where i was a year ago, with this feeling of God making space for new things in my life. My circumstances are the same, but my faith is so much stronger. I may have wasted a year on nothing but heartache, but at least I KNOW that God knows better. He knows me, knows what’s best for me, and IS protecting me from men that aren’t good enough, and stopping them from pursuing anything that i’m too week to reject. I deserve more than a tolerant bystander to my faith.
I’m back at square one, having to start all over again, but far better off because this time I trust God more. I know that He has good plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me. I am walking in His favour and protection and I can live carefree before Him because He is most careful with me. (1 Peter 5)
So let’s hope that my next ‘house-mate’ comes with a ring and a pre-nup 😉