Last week i had a really, really bad day.
The kind of day that leaves you sitting on the floor in your underwear staring at a piece of hair in the carpet for 15 minutes.
You know days like that? Days where your only thoughts are negative ones, you don’t feel like you have much to look forward to in life (it’s so dramatic, i know) and you don’t even see the point of putting on pants. The heaviness of days like this seems to outweigh the desire to even go outside, and you just want to crawl back in to bed and wake up when life seems to have sorted itself out.
I won’t get in to the details of what made me feel this way, because that’s not the point. The point is that i’m sure someone can relate to this kind of mood, and how to battle oneself out of it. I wish i could tell you that i said a prayer and miraculously i felt better. I did say a prayer … I said a few … but it took a lot more than that to snap me out of this one.
I’m not a fan of fear, anxiety, or negative emotions of any sort, but the absolute worst for me is disappointment. It’s that one emotion that seems overwhelming, and God began to show me why…
For a while I’d been struggling with feelings of uncertainty about my future. Unsure if i’d ever get married, or have a family of my own, or finally have my own business, and if i’d ever get to live in the place i dream about, etc. I’ve hoped for these things, but it always seemed like something that happened to other people – not me.
I tried to dry the tears from my eyes long enough to send a text to a beloved friend of mine, about what had caused my disappointment, and then she asked me a question: “Do you believe you have God’s favour, or do you HOPE you do?”
And i thought “you mean that’s it? All of this drama is because of that?”
The answer was obvious! I didn’t believe i had God’s favour, I most certainly hoped i did, and i was under the impression that the best days were behind me, and now i have to settle for this mediocre life and just wait for heaven … because heaven is going to be awesome.
But then i knew what my problem was … and then i wanted to fix it! So the reading and ‘research’ and prayer began.
And what i learned, changed my life!!
I started watching a Joseph Prince video which made me realise that, by claiming i’m a Christian, but not believing God for favour, and living like someone who is favoured, i was being a hypocrite.
It also made me realise that by ‘trying my best’ to live a life that is pleasing to God, and then hoping to have His favour, i was being religious. Well, that’s no good!
You can watch that video here:
God was speaking … and i was starting to get it!
Then i found a video of a sermon by TD Jakes called ‘Favor Ain’t Fair’. And little did i know that from the time i pressed ‘play’ to the time i pressed ‘stop’ i would feel like a different person.
TD Jakes talks about the story of Ruth, Naomi and Boaz. How we relate Boaz to God and Naomi to ourselves. How Boaz (God) speaks blessings over us (Ruth) and when we walk in the direction we are called we will find blessings (the wheat) just lying on our path, ready for us to receive.
‘Ah, this is starting to get really exciting…’ and then he said it! The jaw dropping revelation that sent tears of relief flowing down my cheeks! He said:
“If God didn’t have something released, that you hadn’t come in to yet … you would die. The reason you are still here is that there’s still something up in front of you to live for! Don’t let no devil in hell tell you you don’t have nothin’ to live for … the devil is a liar. You haven’t even seen the things that God has dropped, and if you just keep walking … ‘I told you I kept waking, they lied but i kept walking, I was broken hearted but i kept walking’ because there is something ahead of you that is greater than the thing behind you…”
And then i believed! See, when my mom died, i knew it was because of the fact that when we are done with the work that the Lord has given us to do on the earth, we go Home. But it never occurred to me that I’m not done otherwise i wouldn’t be here. So silly, i know … but now … now i wake up every morning thanking God for the wonderful things that He has for me in my future. I thank Him for the blessings that i have yet to walk in to, and pray that in the face of disappointment and a broken heart, He gives me the courage and strength to keep walking.Some people will walk with me, and some I will have to leave behind, but though my eyes are filled with tears, and my feet can only take small steps at a time, I will keep walking toward my Saviour, and along the way, i will find blessings and favour!